The Tender Wound... The aftermath...

The impact of our exploration (s), dialogue(s) and energetic exchange(s) is (are) settling into my bones this morning...
There are still some signs of trapped energy in my body, especially along the entire anterior portion of my spine from throat to tail bone... some old stories I still tell myself... Some tears in throat, unspoken desires, and aspirations to mend...
But I recognize them and begin to hold them with as much tenderness as I am capable of. There is loneliness that appears, unexpectedly and that's ok too.I have also come to know, that this process and the connection with my dancers, especially the work Ruth and I were able to dive into has filled parts of my life for the last months with the great gift of ourselves and have been a real source of joy, community and inspiration for me.

Towards the end of the choreographic process I began to share about my fear to move or to go to "this place"... And last night: about this worry of me shutting down the process all together, now that this term is ending...

I wonder this morning, if I ever was going to dare to choreograph or dance again, but I also know that this type of all- encompassing fear that almost paralyzes me, is the precise fear I need to face and in part want to face.

I also know that I can only go to those depths when I am filled with acceptance and self-love or at least the desire to seek it within myself but also when the world around me can be kind and present in some ways... There needs be a sense of safety I guess... Or perhaps that is also an illusion... I have found this sense of safety at times over the last few months, however ephemeral...

I know that I have traveled my whole life in an attempt to release this bound coil of energy around my spine and even more around my heart, and it is in dance that this coil is most apparent, most painful too, most real... Dance is the one thing that connects me most to myself and the one thing I resist most. Funny how that is... Maybe that is why I was attracted to dance in the first place... And why I keep coming back to it. Dance is a key to my deepest, truest self that scares me so!

Oh, I don't feel very brave at all! At least during the creating of our dance, I was making attempts to stay connected to all this, even if I was not breaking through as fully as I wished for... Now I am not sure... No rehearsals or dance projects in the works and this sense that I could abandon self once again along the road side.

Though my bigger self knows I won't and won't let me, which is good... Thank god for that graceful demanding Genevieve! ;) Perhaps I need to seek a dance practice that can allow me to engage and deepen my connection to myself and my moving body outside of the dance class... Without judgment... Or with acknowledgment of judgment... However terrifying that may be. I wonder what that practice might be...

This transition from there- to here- to somewhere else is jarring... I shall let it!

I am acutely filled with gratitude for having encountered over the last 2 months perceptive, intuitive, sensing, kind heart; sharing of insights, the questions that were asked, the truth that was spoken, the deep desire to heal and live fully, the gift of really seeing and of being reminded me of my own light and gifts! You are beautiful beings I am so blessed to know!

Once again, my creative journey mirrored my human journey. The Tender Wound was a true exercise in trust and in community; a dance process, at times without limbs to rely on but only my deep desire to communicate honestly through movement that existed in the empty spaces between everything. I believe that in the end, the movements we created truly reflected these values. In the end, I succeeded to share through movements in all its encompassing layers, the journey I sought out from the first week of class.

In retrospect, even when I felt completely blinded, lost, inadequate or far away from my purpose, I was actually navigating the turbulent waters of my original intentions in order to clarify quality, purpose and message.

the work is gifting back the legacy of exploration and transformations, and for this I am grateful.
And scared....

With profound tenderness and humility
Genevieve Nolet 2011